


better never to have loved

by rangerhitomi



Category: Cardfight!! Vanguard
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied Kaiai, M/M, Pre-Legion Mate, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 06:23:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15858012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rangerhitomi/pseuds/rangerhitomi
Summary: "I'm sorry," Aichi whispers again, burying his face in his hands. "I'm sorry..."Gaillard reaches for Aichi's hand, pulls it from his face. "We can find another way," he says gently. He doesn't know how he's managed to avoid crying himself."There isn't," Aichi says bitterly, "and there's no time even if there was." He turns his gaze to Gaillard. His eyes tighten in pain. "It's getting stronger, I--""You're stronger than it. Hold on, just a little longer."If it is possible to die of a broken heart, the tears flowing down Aichi's face, the utter despair in those beautiful eyes, bring Gaillard closer to death than he'd ever thought possible.---As Aichi prepares to be sealed away, his thoughts turn to Kai Toshiki.





	better never to have loved

The sanctuary is silent.

Even the sound of Gaillard's boots clicking against the white stone floor is swallowed up in the vast white halls; though there is air to breathe inside, though the gravity is normal, the cold and silence and emptiness of space permeate every inch of the sanctuary. It is eerie. It is lonely.

It is the perfect place for eternal rest.

As far as he can tell, Gaillard is the first of the Quatre Knights to arrive. It is a name of his choosing - the four knights, tasked to protect the peace of the world. The idea of pledging his loyalty and his life to a king had always been a romantic one for Gaillard. A true knight, casting aside his own desires for a cause greater than himself.

But Gaillard cannot cast off his desires, so perhaps he is not a true knight.

Sendou Aichi sits on a lonely white stone chair in the middle of a lonely white stone room. The Savior of Earth and Cray alike stares at the wall, no expression in his eyes, vast as the ocean and calm as a lake. The black coat he wears doesn't suit him; it makes his shoulders wide and stiff, as though he is a child wearing the mantle of a grown man.

Maybe he is.

"Gaillard."

The vast chamber swallows the whispered name.

Aichi turns his face toward Gaillard. None of the warmth remains in his expression.

Gaillard shivers.

"Aichi."

"The others...?"

"Will be here soon, I am sure."

Aichi nods. "It's strong."

He says it matter-of-fact, another blasé observation. He may well have commented on how the sanctuary is white, or the room is dark.

Gaillard doesn't know what to say. He's never been good at small talk.

"I want you to have something." Aichi reaches into his coat and pulls out--

"I cannot take this." Gaillard steps back, stomach twisting.

"Please, Gaillard." Aichi holds it out. His deck. "I have no use for it anymore." He looks away from it, face tightening.

How much he must hurt, parting with the units of his soul.

Gaillard reaches for it, swallowing. "I will take care of them."

Aichi's _thank you_ is strained. His chin trembles. His hand clenches around the deck as Gaillard places his own on it. For a moment, a war wages in Aichi's heart. Gaillard doesn't fight him; he stands silently, hand on the deck, and waits for Aichi's grasp to weaken.

 _I'm ready,_ Aichi had said, confidently, but Gaillard can see now that was a ruse.

The silent room can't stifle the quiet sob, and the cards spill over the floor at Aichi's feet.

"I'm sorry, I--"

Gaillard hushes him and holds a hand out to press Aichi back into the chair. "I'll do it."

He bends one knee and leans down, collecting the cards one by one. He memorizes each Gold Paladin, each facet of Aichi's golden soul.

_Little Liberator, Marron... Cheer-Up Trumpeter... Liberator of Hope, Epona..._

A feeling of loss tugs at his mind, as though there is something he has forgotten.

When he finishes picking them up, he tucks the deck in his coat pocket. When he is about to stand, he catches a glint in Aichi's eyes that brings him to both knees.

"I'm sorry," Aichi whispers again, burying his face in his hands. "I'm sorry..."

Gaillard reaches for Aichi's hand, pulls it from his face. "We can find another way," he says gently. He doesn't know how he's managed to avoid crying himself.

"There isn't," Aichi says bitterly, "and there's no time even if there was." He turns his gaze to Gaillard. His eyes tighten in pain. "It's getting stronger, I--"

"You're stronger than it. Hold on, just a little longer."

If it is possible to die of a broken heart, the tears flowing down Aichi's face, the utter despair in those beautiful eyes, bring Gaillard closer to death than he'd ever thought possible.

"It hurts."

The _I know_ dies on Gaillard's tongue. He clamps his jaw shut.

"Thank you, Gaillard."

Gaillard places both hands over Aichi's. He's cold to the touch. He shouldn't be; he should be warm, soft, full of life. It's like touching a corpse.

"I thought for so long about what I could do to stop this." Aichi presses his free hand to his chest. "I could abandon Vanguard... despite everything it's done for me. That was an option." He bites his quivering lip for a second. "But there was no guarantee that Link Joker wouldn't take control and force me to fight. So I thought--"

Gaillard doesn't want to hear any more. He shushes Aichi, who ignores him.

"If the host of the seed were to die--"

"Aichi, please--"

"But what if the seed left and found a new host? And..." He closes his eyes. Tears leak from his eyelids and lashes. "It would hurt them, so much. Mom and Emi, Misaki and Miwa and Naoki and Kamui... and Kai..."

Gaillard's gut twists at the name.

"Kai would never have let me do this." Aichi's eyes fall to the floor. His voice is so soft he might be talking to himself.

Renewed fire burns in Gaillard's chest. He squeezes Aichi's hand. "Wiping you from his memory is the right thing to do, Aichi." _Kai Toshiki doesn't deserve to have even one memory of you. He doesn't deserve any of the happiness and peace that you can bring just from your presence._

"It's for the best," Aichi agrees. There is no happiness or peace now, only a deep despair. "Kai would insist... to take my place..."

Everything that happened was because of Kai. And _god,_ the unfairness of it all, that the world was to be denied Sendou Aichi's selfless love because of Kai Toshiki's arrogance, his pride, his _hubris_.

Never had Gaillard felt such pure hatred for another, until he knelt by Aichi's side and saw the torture inflicted on Aichi. Never, until he imagined Kai Toshiki playing Vanguard in a shop somewhere in Japan, relaxing and having fun while Aichi prepared to give his life and his future so the world would be safe. Never, until he realized what Kai Toshiki meant to Aichi, the deep love Aichi reserved just for _him_ , had Gaillard ever wanted to feel the flames of his vengeance burn Kai Toshiki to ashes.

Selfishly, he resents Aichi for loving Kai, responsible for _everything_ , over Gaillard, who desired nothing more than to serve Aichi to his last breath.

"I'm going to miss everyone." Aichi's breathing has normalized. He wipes the last of the tears from his face and slips his other hand from Gaillard's. "I'm sorry." His smile lacks the warmth it once had. "I think... I think I'm ready now." He tilts his head. Closes his eyes. "I hope, that when I sleep, I will have no dreams. It'll be easier, I think, not to have to remember."

He walks past Gaillard.

For Aichi's sake, Gaillard, too, hopes Aichi will fall into a dreamless sleep. He hopes Aichi will not be forced to sleep for eternity remembering the pain the one he loved inflicted on him. He hopes Aichi will not have to relive the happiest moments of his life over and over and begin to regret his choice to seal himself away.

He hopes Aichi will not have an eternity to wonder whether Kai Toshiki ever loved him back.


End file.
